At the time of this writing it is Friday night. I am watching Designing Women on Antenna TV while nursing a glass of red wine waiting for the Tylenol PM to kick in.
I have a headache.
My period just ended as per usual, my pelvis is killing me.
I know I said I was not going to talk about it again, and hopefully this is the last time I do. It is hard NOT to talk about it. It is everywhere. I live in a state which is currently, by most definitions shut down. My office, and my position in that office, is considered essential so (thankfully) I am still working. At the time of this writing, my husband is still working but as this week continued on I waited to hear that he would not be working anymore. But so far… *fingers crossed*
There are parts of this thing that I understand. That I can justify what is happening in this country, but then there are other parts where the math just does not make sense. And I cannot escape it. I wake up in the morning, it’s on the news. I go to work – it’s on the news, it is all people talk about. I go online – there are posts and articles and live video streams.
For the last few weeks I was post – reassuring my loved ones that this would be over in a few weeks. I laughed and tried to make fun of the whole thing. This is what I have been preparing for all these years – to staying in my home. No one can make fun of me now! Everyone has to live the way I feel most comfortable (even though that might not be so comfortable for them – again, welcome to my world).
All things considered, my life has not been disrupted. I am a homebody – as any reader or blogger usually is. I enjoy being in my home, and I don’t like people in my personal space. Years ago, out of a desire to save money I learned how to do my own hair and nails. I have also been buying in bulk for years so we have plenty of toilet paper and Lysol wipes. What I was not prepared for was the panic of other people.
The nature of my job, I see what most of the population is really like. How they handle stress and emergencies; so as this COVID-19 continued to spread I was not sure what I expected. This is not what I expected. I never expected for my kids to be home from school for an unknown about of time. Businesses to be closed indefinitely. MY STATE TO SHUT DOWN.
The more I read about this thing and the mutations it has made over the last few months, I get it. I do. I have to imagine I am not the only one Googling this shit – why the fuck can’t people just stay home so this thing can pass.
Mentally, I am in a place where I know there is food. I know I can go out to the grocery store or pharmacy. I can put gas in the car. I can do and provide the basic necessities for my family right now and that is what is most important, right now.
At the end of the day, this is out of not only my hands but OUR hands. For someone like myself, with a Type A personality, it is hard to not be in control. I know that we (as a country, state, and family) will get through this. We will all come out on the other end of this. Hopefully with a better sense of personal hygiene and personal space. But for my own mental health,
I NEED A BREAK.
As I got older, I found less and less interest in the news. With all of this, I got sucked back in. I need to not only take a step back from the news but from social media and the internet. It really is not helpful during times like this. I feel myself spiraling.
I keep trying to read my book(s) and find myself so easily distracted, I cannot concentrate. Even scrolling bookstagram is covered with what are supposed to be helpful and uplifting posts… but I don’t… I can’t.
I am logging out of Facebook.
Deleting IG from my phone.
I want to get back to reading. I need to disconnect to get my sanity back.
Maybe this is all because my gym is closed and I haven’t worked out in over a week (working out at home is hard to get motivated to do). Maybe this is all because my hormones are all over the place at the moment. Whatever the reason, I am taking control over the things I can control right now…