I guess I’ve always had an issue with my weight but I never really thought about it until reading The F*ck It Diet. Unlike most people, I was not an overweight kid who grew up to be an overweight adult. I actually was disgustingly UNDERweight as a kid. I was 98lbs until I got pregnant with our son; when I had him I tipped the scales at 124. I never thought much of it either.
Most of my childhood I spent under oversized clothes because I hated being so thin. Similar to those that struggled being overweight and they seemed to never be able to shed the weight and keep it off. I was never able to gain the weight. I ate like crap, certainly did not work out yet I stayed at 98lbs.
After I had my son I was not concerned either because I could actually shop in stores and find my size which was a size 2! I had boobs and a butt. No complaints. Then I had my daughter, and gained some more weight and it did not bother me…. at first.
I honestly don’t remember when the thought popped into my head that I “needed to go the gym”. Maybe it was the off-collar comment by a coworker that stuck in my head – about how all dispatchers gain weight and that is why we wear the pants that we do. (Mind you, one, they are required pants by the department and two, I was the only actual dispatcher in the room). Somewhere around that time I realized maybe I “needed” to lose weight even though outside of the number on the scale, I was in good health. I downloaded MyFitnessPal and started down that path of counting calories and even counting points with Weight Watchers a few times in the last few years.
From the beginning, I realized dieting was bullshit. I was fucking starving. Dieting was probably not what I should be doing, I needed A LIFESTYLE CHANGE. I was no longer going to diet, I was going to change my eating habits. I was going to eat better and include exercise into my regular day to day life – yes, getting up and getting on the treadmill at 4-5A before work is totally normally, it’s great. What was even better was losing 10-15 lbs without a single person taking note of it. Why in the actual fuck am I doing all this if no one even notices. So of course I’d gain it back and then a few pounds and the cycle would repeat itself. Then my sister got married and I wanted to be able to order a smaller dress size. I lost weight, ordered the smaller dress size and by the time I had to get the dress fitted it was tight because I had gained the weight back. I should have just ordered my fucking size.
Working out and eating less just made me miserable. And again, no one even noticed the times I did lose weight so what was even the point of being that miserable and hungry.
Earlier this year I needed new work pants and I realized considering I am sitting at a desk for eight hours a day I should wear pants that comfortably fit me. So I ordered a size up. When I noticed I needed new jeans, I sized up. I felt better in bigger shirts too. I slowly realized that I felt better, and looked better, when I actually just wore my size. I did not feel good when I was eating 1200 calories a day, and when you told me I could not eat what the fuck did you think I wanted to do – fucking eat.
And then I discovered The F*ck It Diet by Caroline Dooner which put everything into prospective. I know several times on this blog I have brought up the different ways I was going to try and lose weight. Up until I read this book, everything regarding weight loss and body image has been kind of blurry. Deep down, I knew diets did not work. Way back when The Biggest Loser was a thing I remember saying anyone can lose weight when they’re in a controlled environment. Which is why most, if not all, of those contestants almost always gained the weight back after leaving the show – it was unrealistic.
We all need to face our fears of a higher weight. We need to learn to be happy and fulfilled at that weight. We need to learn to accept ourselves there. We need to let go of the fear of what gaining weight means. We need to be willing to dress ourselves at a higher weight. We need to learn to value ourselves at any weight.
The F*ck It Diet eagers its readers to eat what they want to eat when they want to eat it. It says that your body knows what it is doing. If you’re craving cookies, it is for a reason. The author encourages the readers to eat all of the food; all of the cravings. The purpose, once you eat the things you think you should not be eating you won’t crave it in the same way anymore. And this totally made sense to me because for all the years I was on and off a
diet “lifestyle change” telling me I could only have 4 oz of wine was brutal. All I wanted was the wine. But once I stopped basically giving a fuck and drank the wine, I stopped wanted the wine. At one point I went a good two, maybe three months, without a drop – had no desire.
Dooner says that our bodies are smarter than we are. That are cravings are our friends and that we should support our bodies instead of trying to repair it. And that a lower weight is not indicative of better health; health is listening to your body.
The things this book triggered in me was astonishing. I never thought I had a real issue with my weight. But while reading it a lot of the comments people have said to me in passing came flooding back. Like the time I mentioned how many times I go to the gym and someone said it did not look like I went to the gym like that. FUCK YOU. Or how about the person who gave me shit for eating two slices of pizza. Uh, FUCK YOU too. Then there was the family member, the person who is supposed to care for me regardless who commented on how much weight I gained since I saw them and kept giving me crap about what size clothing I am. And when I caved and told them they did not believe me. Yeah, FUCK YOU also. There was also a time when another loved one of mine, someone I truly care about, made a comment about how I wasn’t losing weight like I wanted because I was drinking so much. That person can FUCK OFF too.
It is not lost on me that I am writing this around the holidays when most people feel like they have to workout in order to earn the food they eat, or workout because of the food they ate. Dooner lets the reader know that exercise is not punishment. You should be moving your body because you want to, not because of what you ate or what you’re doing to eat.
There is also this idea that no food is entirely healthy or unhealthy. Despite what we’re taught. How it really comes down to balance. The example in the book is in relation to carrots and chocolate.
“Carrots are not healthy or unhealthy. Chocolate is not healthy or unhealthy.”
And even though foods are neither all good or all bad, Dooner encourages to follow necessary dietary restrictions in regards to allergies or just general well-being. Example, I try not to eat greasy food or red meat – it tends to upset my stomach. Same goes with dairy. I love a good hamburger, but at the end of the day spending the rest of my day on the toilet is just not worth it.
Dooner stresses that the change won’t happen overnight. And that the Fuck It Diet is not an actual diet. Your weight will actually go up and that is okay because that is where your body says it should be. The purpose is to not let food control you. Eat when you’re hungry, don’t eat when you’re not. Eat the pizza when you want and eventually, you’ll also want that salad. When you can have anything it is neither a this or that, good or bad situation.
I’m not ready to throw my scale out, but I have given up on the notion of dieting or changing my lifestyle. This is me and if you don’t like it you can go fuck yourself. While my weight may be higher than I would like, I am healthy. I am not the same person as I was at 98 lbs or 124 lbs so I’m not sure why I would want to look the same.
Life is too short to obsess over food.