What am I going to do with my life?

It’s kind of funny that I am actually writing this out.

This question has become increasingly echoing in my mind the last few months. I’m not entirely sure why, but it has been loud as fuck lately.

I kind of fell into Police dispatching. Completely by accident and I have been doing it for over ten years now. It’s a civil service position that my mother forced me to take the test for (not knowing exactly what it was) so I could have a decent job with benefits. Especially considering I had just had my son several months before.  It is a job that I am thankful to have. It has brought stability and a view on life I never would have had otherwise. It keeps the lights on and helps with the mortgage. While I am so appreciative of this job, I am at a point where I want more.

But what the more is… I am not sure.

We’re still a young family. Juggling school, practices and the budding social life of my children. I’m still a full-time mom doing the mom thing. Which means I still need a decent job to keep the lights on. I need the 9-5. Still I wonder, what am I going to do with the rest of my life? I’m 33. I’d like to think I have a lot of life left to do something that makes me heart happy.

At some point it won’t be so crucial to make x-amount of dollars. And when I reach that point what will I want to do? I’m already at the point where I am tired of being an employee. I want to be my own boss. Boss of what though? I want flexibility to do what I really love when I want to do it. To do something that makes my heart happy, not just my bank account.

I started my adult life really early at 22 years old. So I have plenty of time to start over at least two more times.

Completely unrelated, recently I was talking to a friend. And she was saying how she was trying to figure out what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. She wants to be a cop. Apparently it’s something she has always wanted to do. While I’ll keep my personal thoughts on that to myself. I am happy for her. She knows what she wants and is going for it. I’m jealous.

Maybe my problem is that I don’t know what I want to do. Which I feel is completely normal. Most people don’t know what they want to do with their lives. They just kind of fall into something and that’s that. I know definitely what I do not want to do, or do any longer. But what I want to do is much harder to figure out.

I know I have one path in life right now, to be a mother. To teach my kids how to be (hopefully) successful adults. That’s my “job” right now (in addition to the nine to five). I kind of fell into that role with absolutely no planning or thought. And it is quite literally the best and worst thing in the world. It challenges me in ways I never thought was possible. I have learned so much about myself in this role. I have found my voice and expanded my personality. I am kind of hoping the next step for me kind of goes the same way.

Completely by accident….

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