Hitting PUBLISH

After hitting the publish button was more scary than actually doing it.

I can’t believe I hit “publish” on my first legit blog entry in a long ass time. It was not a book review. It was not about a call from work. It was an entry on how I felt. Scary. But do not get it twisted, I felt absolutely sick to my stomach all morning. I was terrified on how it was be received by people I actually knew in my real life.

When I was younger and used to blog, it was more of a diary I kept. (Yes, I looked up my old LiveJournal accounts – last updated April 2013.) It was a private account though. It is so much easier to write when you know no one you actually know is going to read it. It is another thing knowing your former classmates, or even worse, your co-workers may read it. It’s easy to hide behind the anonymity.

But I did it. I hit “publish”, closed the laptop and got ready for work.

While I was getting ready for the day I received a message from my mother. She said she saw my post; stated it was well written and then was concerned about my co-workers seeing it. At that moment I began worrying about what I wrote. But just as quickly as that thought entered my mind I knew what I wrote was not negative towards my department.

I am allowed to have feelings. I’m standing by what I am feeling.

My feelings were reinforced as I got ready for my day. Every morning I listen to Sean Croxton’s Quote of the Day and that morning’s quote really spoke to me.

“You will not lose when you truly listen to and follow your heart.” – Howard Martin

The speaker was basically talking about how he was a musician and always thought that’s what he would be. He started when he was young and figured, this is it. Then one day he woke up and was just over it. People thought he was crazy, but he knew his heart wasn’t in it anymore.

While I am not ready to just up and quit my job to pursue writing I totally got it. And was really feeling that message; to do what’s in your heart and don’t worry about what people think.

After that, I happened to be browsing my Instagram stories when I came across a story of someone I did not even realize I was following, Rachel Hollis. No clue who this woman even is, or how I ended up following her. But she was basically saying the same thing. How people end up in the positions they’re in in life because they are too afraid of what other people will think. People that have no actual bearing on their lives.

How we base so much of what we do, or don’t do on how other people will accept us.

I find this to be very true with my co-workers. My co-workers can be rough. A lot of them take great joy in ridiculing each other, and people who are different than their pigheadedness. And I have spent so long not wanting to deal with their bullshit and not wanting to have to explain myself to them. But fuck it. I don’t owe them, or anyone else, an explanation.

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